The phrase, "Past me was looking out for future me" gets thrown around in my house whenever one does something that ends up helping them out later on in life. It's the type of thing you say when you put your jacket where it's easily found later, or when you gas up your car instead of waiting until the morning on your way somewhere important. And today, on day thirty three of this gratitude project, AKA my birthday, I'm grateful that past me looked out for future me in the biggest possible way.
I was lost in thought about when I turned thirty earlier today, and just how depressed I had become. I was so lost in my own darkness I couldn't appreciate the light. I had to be dragged out of my house to see my friends and, quite honestly, I barely remember it. I was in such a fog of depression, nothing really seemed to matter. I've actually had to grieve that period of my life, and the things I missed out on and the friends I hurt because I had lost myself. But anyway, reminiscing on that time reminded me that, not too long afterward, I became consumed with the feeling that I didn't want to be alive anymore.
When I tell you I was lost in darkness, there aren't really words to describe the actual feeling. I was so far from myself, I truly felt like it was all lost. But in that moment, that darkest hour, past me found a way to reach out a hand and seek help. Instead of following that dark impulse, she found a way to say, "there is something in the future that is worth surviving now for," and she started the climb out of the seemingly endless pit of depression. And she was right. I feel nothing like I did back then anymore, thank Gods. And there are definitely things in this future that were worth surviving for. I'm so proud of her for taking it step by step, minute by minute, until the days didn't seem so hard. I'm proud of her for seeking help. I'm proud that I still stay on top of my mental health. But today I am just consumed with gratitude. I spent a fun day with amazing people, reconnected with long time friends, and none of that would have happened had past me not looked out for future me.
I'm grateful for my amazing circle of friends. I'm grateful to be back in the place that feels most like home (yes, even when it's two hundred degrees). I'm grateful to be back to embodying "big Dommie energy" as my bestie called it tonight. I'm grateful for the ability, and the desire, to laugh and joke and sing and dance and take birthday shots just because. I'm grateful for my life and the fact that I still have it. I'm grateful for thirty two. And considering all of the monumental shifts, changes, and decisions I've been making...it's going to be one hell of a year. Looking forward to the ride.
Thanks for coming along.
-Dominique
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