Raise your hand if you’ve ever been self conscious about your physical appearance in some way or another. Pauses and watches every single hand on the face of the earth go up Great, now, raise your hand if you’ve ever let the feeling of self consciousness prevent you from doing something you’ve wanted to do? Assumes all of the hands go up again Now, one more step: Raise your hand if your own feelings of self consciousness have kept you from being vulnerable with another person due to your projected fear that they will judge you as harshly as you judge yourself? Ah, yeah…it sucks that we can all relate on that one.
Before I go any further, I think it’s important to note that our culture feeds off of insecurity, therefore it must cultivate it at every possible corner. It isn’t right to blame those of us who feel the self consciousness when it is basically bred into us from birth (because you can’t make as much money off of people who feel confident), but I also feel that we are far too quick to place the blame somewhere else that it doesn’t belong.
Fellas, I’m looking at you.
That’s right. I think it’s time we take a moment to pause and examine the thoughts and opinions that we project onto men to then use as an excuse for our own insecurities. I can count on one hand the amount of times a man has made a negative comment about my body to my face (I cannot speak for what people say about me behind my back, so I’m solely going off of what I know here). It was once, and it turned out he was an asshole all around. There is this unspoken rhetoric going around that men only want women if they are rail thin with perfectly perky boobs and a well sculpted butt, long blonde hair and glowing, flawless skin…and let's be honest, it’s because that’s an image that sells. Fanning the flame of this completely made up notion sells diet pills, skin creams, more clothing than one person could ever wear, hair dye, makeup, and more. It keeps us showing up with our wallets, chasing this dream of being the “perfect woman.” But I urge you to take a moment and ask yourself: Has a man in your life ever put that burden on you? I’d bet not, but if someone did, it is not simply because, “he’s a guy and that’s the way they are,” it’s because he was an asshole.
I’m going to be blatantly honest here: we, as women, need to take ownership of our insecurities and do the work to heal them. I can assure you of one thing, and that is, if a man is about to have sex with you, I promise you he isn’t sitting there and counting your stretch marks while simultaneously guessing your jean size (and being absolutely disgusted by it, as I’m sure we are all convinced). If he’s thinking critically about anyone’s body in the room, it is almost assuredly his own. Because as much as we don’t want to make space to believe it (and as much as they may wish for us not to know it) men suffer with insecurity too. Our male counterparts are also fed a whole lifetime of what men should and should not be, leading to a lifelong battle with self worth. How many female Tinder profiles have you seen that have said something along the lines of, “if you’re not 6’0” or over, swipe left”? It’s…it’s a lot of them. The societal pressure on men to be 6’3” with a twelve pack and a six figure salary is very real, so they aren’t strangers to feelings of inadequacy and lack of self love. So again, if he’s about to see you naked, I promise you he wants to, and the only flaws he’s worried about are his own.
It is our own adopted narrative that keeps us in feelings of self consciousness, and those feelings, when left unchecked, can lead us to not only skip out on opportunity, but to place an unfair burden on others in our lives by projecting our own thoughts onto them. When you do that, you strip them of the chance to express what they actually think and feel, and you may be robbing them of an experience in the process. Let me tell you a bit of a personal story to drive this point home. A lifetime or two ago, I went to dinner with a friend. This was a friend that I was ridiculously attracted to, and I (as well as every single person that ever saw us together) was ninety nine point nine nine nine percent sure that he felt the same way. Anyway, we went to dinner, then he took me back to his apartment. When I tell you the vibe was awkward…I honestly don’t think I could put into words just how awkward it was. The air hung thick with “will they won’t they” energy, but the entire time we sat on that couch, all my mind could think was, “I’ve gotten so fat. I’m so gross. I’ve gained so much weight. I don’t want him to see my stomach. Maybe once I lose twenty more pounds. Could I lose them in five minutes? He would be repulsed by me.” On. Fucking. Repeat.
The awkwardness lingered on, proving that “won’t they” was the way this evening was going. And here’s the WORST part: when I felt like it was getting too close to happening, I lied and said I was on my period. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Why? Because I had myself convinced that if he saw me naked, he’d literally pull a looney tunes level run and bolt through the wall of his apartment, never to be seen again. Unfortunately, I am not exaggerating.
At least he had a dog to break the awkward tension.
The night I just described remains cemented in my brain as one of my biggest regrets. Not because the “will they” never happened (though maybe a little bit of that too. Younger me got robbed), but because I thought so poorly of myself that I assumed someone else did too. Someone that clearly cared about me, and obviously wanted to see me naked, stomach and all.
So why am I rehashing all of this? Because I’m seeing a theme amongst my female friends (which I’m honestly so happy to have after years of convincing myself I just wasn’t a girls-girl, but that’s another story). So many of them talk about feeling inadequate, especially on the physical scale. Too fat. Too squishy. Too much cellulite. Not flexible enough. Too much back fat. Carrying too much of a pouch. Or, perhaps the absolute worst, they are afraid they simply, “aren’t enough for him.” Him…being the person they’re in a relationship with.
As a woman who has worked tirelessly on ditching the feelings of inadequacy, it devastates me to hear the women I cherish feel so badly about themselves, because I assure you their husbands aren’t the ones filling their heads with those thoughts. It’s simply a lifetime of programming, a lifetime of not-enough-ness. Our own lack of self worth leads to a lack of confidence, and that’s where the root of the problem is. If you ask most men, they will tell you that confidence is one of the sexiest traits out there, and honestly, they’re right. Confidence gives you the ability to be unashamed, to liberate yourself from constraints of your own making. It allows you to be vulnerable - physically, emotionally, spiritually - with the person you’re with, as well as yourself if I’m being totally honest. Our culture preaches lack, fueling our feelings of not-enough-ness, so we must consciously, and somewhat aggressively, fight back against that by showing up unashamed for ourselves. We must realize that it isn’t every man in the world that is out to make women feel terrible, it's societal pressure created by the need to make profit, and men are not exempt from that pressure (remember, six feet or bust).
So if I can leave you with anything, it’d be these two things:
First, cut the men some slack. It is not their fault that we are so damn self conscious. Give them grace, and allow them to tell you what they think and feel before you project your own thoughts onto them. They deserve that much, as we all do. And remember, it’s tough out in these streets for them, too. So cut them some slack, give them the benefit of the doubt, and remember to tell the special guy (or guys, I am not here to judge) in your life that they are a fucking smoke show every now and then. They need it, too.
And finally, perhaps the most important thing, give yourself the love and grace you need while aggressively fighting to get your confidence on lock. Stop following social media accounts that make you feel inferior, pick up an exercise hobby that brings you joy and lights you up so you feel sexy as fuck in your skin, surround yourself with positive people, and not a bunch of people that solely focus on their flaws (and probably yours, too), take your shirt off when you have sex, wear the bathing suit, let your person see you in some lighting (it can be dim, no worries), and remember, it’s a middle finger to capitalism to love the fuck out of yourself, so if you can’t do it for you, do it for that.
He’s into you, he’s not judging your pouch. It was never about the pouch, gf. It’s about how you feel about that pouch. So own it with confidence, work on healthy habits to change it if that is what will make you feel your best, but don’t put words in someone else’s mouth to protect your insecurities. There are better things than words to put there.
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