Last night I made the statement that I wasn't a runner. I was asked what I was going to do for my workout at the gym, when a run was suggested, and I was quick to shut the idea down. "I'm not a runner anymore," I said, "I can't run because of my back, or my Nemo lung." The words coming out of my mouth pissed me off even as I said them, partially because I'd grown to really enjoy running before the lung issue, but mostly because I was talking myself out of something with a story I didn't even know was accurate. Could I actually no longer run, or was I just scared to try? Obviously, considering it's been months since I did any form of running regularly, AND considering the health setbacks, I wasn't going to be a pro (not that I ever was) and I probably wouldn't even be up to the endurance I was at before, but did that mean I couldn't do it at all? Or was it a false narrative built in fear? Hell, the reason I tackled running in the first place was to prove to myself I could do things that I didn't think myself capable of, and it'd be a shame to fall back on that.
So this morning I got up before the Sun (like most mornings) and went out to the track, inhaler in hand. The only chance I had for an outdoor run in this place was to do it before the Sun remembered it was supposed to be actively trying to burn us alive. So I laced up my shoes and pulled up my #sexyrunningsocks (You're a true OG if you remember this phase) and hit the pavement. There was nothing to be afraid of, I wasn't running for my life, there was no Mastodon chasing me, I could stop anytime I wanted. So off I went, and before I knew it, I'd run a mile.
I felt liberated, which is one of the things I loved about running before. It always helped to let off steam from my impulsivity pressure cooker, something I definitely needed this morning, and it was working. A one mile run, a one mile walk/run, and a one mile walk. Three miles down, and finally feeling like the cloud of fog had lifted from my head.
So today, while yes, I am grateful I was able to run, grateful I was able to silence the voice of doubt, grateful I was able to push past the point of the known and test something new, blah blah #fitspo, that's not actually what today's gratitude is about. Today's gratitude is for the moment that comes toward the end of the run, when my adrenaline is pumping and my mind is clear and my body is like, "oh hey, I should start sweating now," and I stand there, breathing heavy in a moment of post endurance bliss, and suddenly it all just clicks. The unknown stays unknown until you test it. Everything is scary until it's not. New is scary, change is scary, shift is scary, it's all scary. But in the moments of fear are the chances to prove to yourself that you can, in fact, do hard things. Especially when they are what you know are best for you. Not for anyone else (a hard way for me to think, because focusing on what's best for others is oh so very easy for me), but what's best for me. It's scary, and enough to get my heart rate up even without the run, but in the words of a wise witch I spoke to this afternoon, "is it worth risking losing out on the most amazing experiences and adventures of your life, only to always be safe?" Apparently I helped to hold a mirror to her yesterday, and encouraged her to take the leap and risk it all. So today, I promised her I would take her hand and jump with her. It's scary, but it's liberating.
I can run. I am not broken. I can jump. It's always worth the risk when the possible end result is something amazing.
So if my gratitude rant can leave you with anything today, it's to...be selfish, and take the risk. Jump. Do it. Growth never happened in your comfort zone (trust me, I speak from experience).
Just. Do. It. (clearly becoming a theme).
-Dominique
[Current earworm: MONSTER by Chandler Leighton]
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