A small note of gratitude before going on the tangent of the day: I'm grateful for the long fought for skill of listening to my body and giving it what it needs. Being "intuitive" in regards to eating and exercise is a risky business in a world like the one we live in, but as someone who has always impulsively pushed to go harder, heavier, faster, etc in regards to exercise, I'm grateful that I've finally learned to listen to what my body needs when it needs it. Today, it needed a dance workout, something that might sound ridiculous to some, but was perfect for me (and my desperate to release hip flexors). Also, it made me miss the days of Let's Get Up with a friend back in Monterey, and now I need to text her and ask her if she may want to do the occasional workout again now that we're back on the best coast. Anyway, just a moment to be grateful that I've finally learned to listen when necessary, and that something is better than nothing.
Today however, I am grateful for the calm after the storm. And no, I'm not just talking about the actual sky tearing storm we had last night, though I'll admit, it's timing was something else. What I mean is, that feeling of calm that washes over you after you've done the hard part. When emotions build up for a long time, at least for me (a girl with many crayons), it causes immense amounts of inner turmoil. So to finally hit the point where I can either A, explode and scream or cry or whatever, or B, have an adult conversation with healthy communication, is like a point of pressure release that leaves me with the feeling I am grateful for today. I used to describe it as emptiness, and maybe it still is. Like a pressure cooker after you've released the valve. But no, it just feels calm, and peaceful, and gives a space of clarity that was definitely not there before. I'm very grateful for that space today.
A part of life is having the hard conversations. It's an act of self love to stand for yourself and say what is (or is no longer) working for you. It's an act of radical self love, really, in a world like this one. There is no easy road when life brings you to the breaking points of chapters. There is no easy way out. There is avoidance, there is distraction, there are temporary band aids, but none of those things actually bring growth, forward movement, or change. If anything, I've actually learned they can make things worse. They prolong the inevitable and cause pain to more than just the avoider themselves. Being strong enough to face the potential storm and stand for what you need is the only way through. There is no way around. But when you finally brave the storm, and walk boldly forward (even with shaking legs or hands or anything else) you get to the other side. To this feeling of calm. This feeling of Knowing. You used your voice. You stood in authentic truth. You honored yourself above the pressures above all else. So no matter what comes from here, what comes now, you can live in that state of calm Knowing, because now you've done everything you could. And though it can be scary, and downright terrifying, facing the fear to honor yourself is the only way to truly live this life with any hope of fulfillment.
Do I know what happens next? No, but that's something I'm making peace with too. Releasing control, giving in to surrender. Because no matter which way this story goes, whatever happens from this moment on is a new beginning. Time to trust the magic in those, I hear.
Stand strong for yourself, even if your voice (or hands) shake.
-Dominique
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