Today did not start out in the most gratitude filled headspace. I never claimed to be perfect at this, jeez. In fact, I'd go as far as to say today started out in a pouty and childlike headspace, due to having to cancel plans with a friend that I was really excited about. Life doing life things was not supposed to happen today, but that is one of the many things that is out of my control.
Fast forward to me finding my adult brain and getting over my tantrum, and finding something to be grateful for on a day that was a bit of a struggle. My house has been hit with some sort of illness or allergy or something... and I decided, after taking child number two to the doctor, that it was probably smart to go get myself checked out as well.
Ever since getting COVID back in April, followed by COVID pneumonia, I've basically been down to just one fully functional lung. So the problems always arise when other respiratory invaders enter the house, which led to mild to moderate anxiety on my part (which also isn't great for the breathing if ya know what I mean). So I cut it off at the knees by going to see my besties at the Urgent Care office up the road. It sounds sarcastic, but I've become good friends with the tall male nurse and one of the doctors up there, so much to the point that we're all on a first name basis and exchange casualties like, "hey bestie, long time no see!" or, "Next time you want to come visit, you can just come say hi. With food. You don't need to be sick." It's comforting to know I can go somewhere and be heard by a medical professional, not judged or shut down.
Luckily, they are well acquainted with my little Nemo lung (a reference to Finding Nemo and his little struggling fin) and have finally seen me enough times to not be bothered by my inhumanly low heart rate (I blame years of Shaun T workouts for my cardio endurance). They gave me the quick once over, tossed another inhaler my way, and sent me and my little lung on my way.
So what exactly am I grateful for? The ability to go to the doctor when I need to, for one. A privilege denied to many, unfortunately. Also, the ability to get medicine when I need it. The gift of a doctor (and a really cool nurse) who are genuinely nice and also understanding. But mostly, the gift that I'm still alive. There was a time that I wouldn't have considered that to be as big of a gift as I do now, unfortunately. But now, I am grateful for it every day. There are times where I absolutely sink into the victim mentality of no longer having healthy lungs. Of not being able to go on runs anymore, or do (unmodified) Shaun T workouts (bless him for coming out with a lifting program this winter so I can still get my Shaun on, haha). There are times when I cannot catch my breath, and I get really upset. But then I remember...I'm alive. I'm alive, and I'm grateful. I didn't think I'd survive the month of April. The doctor didn't think I would, either. But once again, here I am, dodging the bullet and slipping past my expiration date (clearly I got the extended warranty package this go round). So I struggle to breathe sometimes...at least I'm still breathing. So I can't run...I can walk, I can lift, I can dance, I can yoga. Having my lungs challenged is a lot like the back injury, it's forcing me to adapt, reevaluate, and overcome. It's forcing me to try new things and make life work differently.
And perhaps, most importantly, it's reminded me that every day is a gift, and they shouldn't be wasted feeling like a victim, they should be lived.
Life is short. Seriously. And it comes at you fast and unexpected. Live it. If there's something you want to do...#justdoit.
-Nikki.
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